Why People Don't Understand You (And How to Fix It)

Some people can talk for 20 minutes and leave you wondering what they actually said. Other people can say one sentence that stays with you for 20 years. What's the difference? It's not vocabulary or charisma. Great communication is about your ability to take what's in your head and transfer it to another person in a way they can understand, remember, and act on. In today’s episode of The Champion Forum Podcast, I'm going to give you four things great communicators do differently. You’ll learn how to become a more impactful communicator at work, at home, in a sales conversation, in a meeting, on a stage, or simply sitting across the table from someone you care about.

Communication isn't measured by what you say;  it's measured by what the other person receives.

4 Habits of Great Communicators

1. Great Communicators Get to the Point

Let me say something that may be uncomfortable for some of us. More words do not automatically create more clarity. Sometimes more words create less clarity. Have you ever asked somebody a simple question and five minutes later you're thinking: "Where are we going here?" Maybe you've been in a meeting where someone has been talking for ten minutes, and you still don't know what they're asking for. Or you receive an email that requires three scrolls on your phone before you finally figure out why the person emailed you. And if we're being truthful, most of us have probably been that person at some point.

Reasons People Over-Explain

• Trying to demonstrate how much we know.

• Afraid of being misunderstood.

• Nervous.

• Trying to soften something uncomfortable.

• Haven't taken the time to decide what we're actually trying to say.

Ask yourself: If this person remembers only one thing I say, what do I want it to be?

Example: "Hey, I wanted to circle back on the project because I know we've had a lot going on lately, and I know there were some challenges with getting information from the other department, and I understand everybody is busy, but we had talked previously about getting this completed by Friday, and I noticed it wasn't finished, so I wanted to see where things are."

Instead, say: "John, we agreed this project would be completed Friday. It's now Monday, and it's unfinished. Help me understand what happened."

Clarity and kindness are not opposites. You can be direct and still care deeply about the person receiving the message. So before your next important conversation, ask yourself: What's my point? And then challenge yourself to communicate that point in one or two sentences.

Q: Why do you think people over-explain? Describe a time when you caught yourself over-explaining in a conversation. How did you refocus the conversation? What could you do differently next time?

2. Great Communicators Read the Room 

This one has probably become more important to me since becoming a professional speaker. When I'm standing on a stage, I have a plan. I know my content. I know my stories. I know where I'm going. But I also have to pay attention to what's happening in the room. Are people leaning in? Are they laughing? Are they confused? You can have the greatest presentation in the world, but if you're so focused on delivering your presentation that you stop paying attention to One of the biggest mistakes we make in communication is becoming so committed to delivering our message that we stop paying attention to whether the message is being received.

Try this: Watch before you add. Before adding another argument, another explanation, another slide, another example, look at the person. What is their body language telling you? What is their tone telling you? What are they not saying? Then ask them! Great communicators aren't merely great talkers. They're great observers.

3. Great Communicators Make the Complex Simple

Anybody can make something complicated sound complicated; it takes skill to make something complicated sound simple. Our brains need somewhere to put information. If I give you 17 independent ideas today, you're probably not going to remember 17 ideas tomorrow. But if I give you three buckets and put those ideas inside a framework, suddenly you have a mental filing system.

The goal is to communicate in a way where the other person can repeat your idea after you leave the room. Suppose you're explaining a new process to your team. You could say: "We're going to be making some changes to our customer engagement methodology in an effort to increase responsiveness and create greater consistency across the organization." Or you could say: "Here's the change: Every customer gets a response within 24 hours." Which one are people going to remember?

So the next time you're communicating something important, ask yourself: How could I make this easier to remember?

4. Great Communicators Make it About the Listener

Weak communication starts with: "What do I want to say?" Great communication starts with: "What does this person need/desire?" That's different than asking: "How can I give a great speech?" Because if my objective is to give a great speech, the focus is on me. If my objective is to serve the audience, the focus is on them. And that mindset changes your communication because great communication requires enough humility to recognize that what I want to say may not be what this person needs from me right now.

Q: How can you tell when someone is thinking about what they want to say more than how it is affecting you? How do you feel when someone does that? How can you ensure you balance what you need to say and what the other person needs to hear?

Application Activity:

Think about a conversation you need to have. It might be an accountability conversation, an update, or just a check-in. Before you even set the appointment, think about what you want to say and then ask yourself these four questions.

1. What is my point?

2. What do I need to pay attention to?

3. How can I make this simpler?

4. What does this person need from me?

Answering them ahead of time will help give you clarity about what you are saying and ensure that you are considering your audience, not just your own motivations. Try it out and then audit your conversation. Did you actually achieve your goal? What made you overexplain? How did you handle objections? What did the person walk away thinking and feeling? Then, see if there are any additional questions you want to use to prepare next time. The more you evaluate your communication, the better it will become.